I do not know what is worse when staying in a foreign place: being away from loved ones or being with strangers. Homesickness is something that I think I can never tear myself away from. Maybe it is the realization that being away from people you love makes you think about how their life goes on without you in it. It is very much disquieting to acknowledge that in the years ahead, when they look back at their lives, you will not be a part of their so-called moments, and that you have missed it altogether.It is not that I have not been away from loved ones for a long time; in fact I left the house at 14 to study in another place. But even then, I did not consider that place as foreign since it was still within the boundary of familiar territories. I think that this awareness of being in a foreign place is more than sleeping in another bed or tasting a different kind of food or using another language. It seems to involve more than that because it includes a psychological awareness that you are on unfamiliar territory. Another part of it is an awareness that you are with people, who are different from you not just in form but also in worldview.
Nevertheless, I have learned two things because of this experience. The first is that being with strangers makes you realize how important stability and security is. Being unsettled makes one feel a little bit out of character, sort of like a nail that has not been hammered rightly in place. But I guess part of the unsettledness that I am feeling is my lack of routine or a knowledge of what is ahead of me. Somehow, for me, I seem to be more settled when I have a day to day course to follow, sort of like a schedule that I can keep track of in my head. Of course, I do not have one now as I still need to know how my day to day activities would unfold. Everything seems to be a little bit hazy.
But more importantly, being with strangers makes you acknowledge the importance of familiarity, and I mean here the sense of being acquainted, and being intimate in some respects, to people, places and events, which I do not enjoy now. It makes you miss the people you are familiar with because you know that they understand you and that you do not have to explain your words or actions, and the places you are acquainted with because you can wander freely and with great confidence.
In contrast, being with people you do not know and being in a foreign place instantly shows you how limited your communication skills are, and in a sense, your way of coping. It is, I guess, a sort of rude awakening when you go to a store and find out that the cashier cannot understand you and you cannot understand her either. Or that your companions give you blank stares when you say the term 'CR', instead of 'toilet'. Or that you do not need to shout at the driver to stop but instead just press a button to signal him. These instances not only cause you stress but moments of embarrassment as well.
In short, a matter of consequence is that I have to unlearn the familiar and replace it with something that is maybe unfamiliar to me but is familiar to this place; one that I need to master or else nobody would understand me. Either that or I can be a stranger in this foreign place forever.
Addendum: What brought about these ramblings, you might ask? It's just that I commented at lunch once that it is more delicious to eat with your bare hands rather than use the fork and spoon, and a pandemonium broke out! LOL... I am exaggerating. What happened was when I said that, everyone at my table stared at me as if I have grown horns, as the expression goes. I guess the idea of using their bare hands when eating is foreign to them as it is familiar to me.
